You have no problem talking. You talk endlessly to each other, and with the amount of words coming out of your mouths you could write a whole book in one week. You talk about your difficulties, your children, your plans, about everything. But can you send just one single message from one heart to another?
Communication breakdown is created when each side concentrates on his own pain and his own expectations,
A connection between partners is created when each of them show interest in what the other has to say, in their pain and their expectations
Talking is easy. Everybody talk. Saying what’s on your heart and assuring this message gets to the other’s heart, that’s difficult. But heart to heart communication is the only valuable communication because that is the only way you make a connection between you. So if you really want to share mental closeness, you only need one thing: replacing broken communication with connecting communication.
Notice this: this is not about a message from the heart. This is about a message from heart to heart. Because it is not enough that you message comes from your heart. In order to connect, your message has to reach your partner’s heart and stay in it. Otherwise it’s a breakdown.
Communication breakdown happens when two people only talk about themselves and refute each other’s accusations, and they both lose. Communication breakdown is caused when both sides gain from what they say and also from what they hear.
So maybe you share communication, but it is very possible that it is a broken communication, where you both say the things you want to be heard, and each of you only hears the things they are willing to hear. When you communicate with a connection, each side hears things that can teach them something important about the other and about themselves.
Communication can disconnect us or bring us closer. Think how many times have you tried talking to your partner about something that’s bothering you, but they insisted on talking only about what’s bothering them. Or think about how many times have you tried talking about your distress, but they denied being responsible for it. Or think about all those long deep conversations you had to understand each other, but each of you was busy protecting themselves.
The secret is simple: a connection is made when each side focuses on his own message, on his own pain and on his own expectations. A connection is made when each side shows interest in the other: in their message, their pain and their expectations.
When you are experiencing broken communication, none of you is listening nor hearing and none of you accept the other’s claims. When you are connected, you never reject the other side’s claims but always willing to address it.
So stop looking for ways to solve the breakdown in your communication, and instead start connection each other by deeply showing interest in the message the other person wants to send you.