Why can’t you discuss anything without fighting? Why does every comment catch fire? Why can’t you tell each other what hurts you and feel like the other side understands you? There is only one reason: you are talking only about yourself, what bothers you and what hurts you, and when you refer to the other person as well, it is only to prove to them that they are at fault.
In childish communication spiritual connection cannot be formed, and without spiritual connection no relationship has any chance of existing with understanding and with love.
This is not communication between friends, it is childish communication between children who have not yet grown up.
No one needs a friend who is only interested in what’s on his or her mind, and no one needs a friend who cannot handle criticism about his or her own attitude. If you want a spiritual relationship with your partner, you need to switch the focus from yourself on to your partner.
Of course, you have to tell your partner what hurts you, but only after you’ve heard what hurts them. And of course you have to tell them what bothers you in their attitude towards you, but only after you’ve heard what bothers them in your attitude towards them. And of course you should offer them to change certain things about their behavior, but only after you’ve asked them to offer changes in yours.
We all know this, we all understand this and we all agree upon this. So why is it that almost no one behaves this way? The only reason is our lack of maturity.
Lack of maturity is focusing on ourselves, as if life is a film in which we are the main star. When we are immature we think like children: “if I want it then I deserve it”, “if I need it then I am supposed to take it from you”, “if I saw it first then it should be mine”.
Just like your children, who are never considerate and are never interested in doing positive things for you. And it is okay that a child has to develop his or her sense of self. But in the adult world there are different rules. In the adult world we have to be mature, and being mature is developing strong emotions towards the other, being aware of his or her needs, expectations and wishes.
The more mature we are the more we are aware of the other, and not just as fulfiller of our needs, but as a person with his or her own set of needs, just as valuable as our own. The more childish we are, the more self-involved we are and we see less of the other. Maturity, therefore, is first addressing the other’s needs, before our own.
Only mature people can form a spiritual connection with other people, whereas childish people remain spiritually disconnected from the people closest to them, regardless of the physical closeness between them. So don’t aspire for anything less than a mature relationship, and begin this transition by maturing yourself, first of all.
Tell your partner what hurts you only after hearing what hurts them.
Tell them what bothers you in their attitude only after hearing what bothers them in your attitude.
Offer them to change their behavior only after hearing from them what is advisable to change in your behavior.