You’ve spent many years in effort of learning each other’s weak spots, so you can aim your darts better at them. But how much effort have you spent in learning their weak spots and help them strengthen them? You could ask that question in other words: Do you invest in empowering communication that bonds you, or in weakening communication that disconnects you from each other?
The ones disconnecting themselves talk about how they feel, the ones connecting talk about the other’s feelings
The ones disconnecting themselves feel the need to fix the other, the ones connecting feel the need to contact the other.
The ones disconnecting themselves focus on their own justice, the ones connecting are looking for the other’s justice first.
There is no point looking for the answers to these questions in your actions, because you will always have explanations presenting anything weakening you do as empowering. Look for the answers only in the results: what do you have more of in your relationship – closeness or distance? Connection or disconnection?
These things are important to each and every one of us, because everyone is involved in intensive communication with the people around them, but communication is not everything. Connecting is the main thing. And here are a few signs to help you recognize the differences between a connecting person and a disconnecting person:
Disconnecting people mainly talk about themselves: their feelings and wishes and the way they remember what happened. And even if they do talk about the other it will be mainly in order to dismiss their feelings and condemn their behavior.
Connecting people mainly talk about what the other is feeling. They would want to learn the reasons for their behavior and listen to their complaints, even if they are aimed at them. And when they talk about what is happening between you, they will depict a complete picture about you both misunderstanding.
Disconnecting people think that if they push the other harder, they will get the attention they want. They don’t ask themselves what is important for the other. They have no clue what the others are missing or what’s hurting them, and they couldn’t care less.
Connecting people know that if they give the other what’s important for them, they will get what they want from them.
Disconnecting people always feel the need to fix the other; connecting people feel the need to connect with the other.
Disconnecting people only focus on giving voice to their opinion and their justice, connecting people focus first on understanding the other’s opinion and where his justice is.
Connecting is never “no” and “what about me”. Connecting is always “what about him”, and without this question there will be no connection between us. The communication between us may be fluent and continuous, and we may invest much time and mental efforts in our dual discourse, but there will not be a connection. And then there won’t be understanding, or agreement or love, like two people in two bubbles, trying to have a discourse without leaving their bubbles.